“There’s Something That I Wanna Say…”
I was lying in bed naked and feeling miserable. My face was leaking. I had a migraine. It was probably like 1 or 3 AM or something and I couldn’t sleep.
I just kept thinking about him.
On most days, “him” could be anyone, but on this day, it was HIM. Andres.
I had only just met him, but there was this weird feeling in my gut - A mix of arousal and fear. A feeling that kept talking really loudly and wouldn’t shut up. It just kept yelling, “Ask him to be your boyfriend.”
And then there was this other voice simultaneously, albeit a little quieter, saying, “You’re fucking disgusting.”
I knew that the voice was right too! I mean, here I was, feeling like absolute death with snot leaking out of my face and a trail of used tissues (mostly containing more snot) surrounding my bed and I had the audacity to think that anyone would want to go out with me in my current state.
I wanted to ask Andres out. And, as per usual, whenever I want to do something I do something completely unrelated and procrastinate to hell and back.
So, I curled up in a feverish ball, grabbed my phone, and I made a shitty song in GarageBand.
What I ended up making was a sort of therapy session in which I imagined myself trying to ask Andres out on a date and it going horribly. I had these feelings of really wanting to be with somebody but not wanting them to go through the trouble of being with me. I felt as if that was something that a lot of people could relate to. “This is good stuff” I thought to myself as I pressed my finger down on a virtual synthesizer.
A nice little arpeggio synth sound played in my headphones. I enjoyed it for a second and then I sneezed, causing my finger to slide along the virtual keys, thus, warping the sound. It sounded “off” - but it audibly sounded like how I felt.
So I recorded it.
And then what followed was me just improvising and letting these feelings I was feeling leak into the song. I didn’t retake anything - I just recorded it and went with it. The vocals were awful and broken, and I recorded using my shitty apple earbud microphone, so the quality is bad and the volume is variable.
But I was working through my feelings, not striving for perfection. This is therapy! It’s messy!
Why Do I Like This?
By the time I was finished, I listened to the whole thing and it felt like I was listening to my soul. Uncensored - un-altered. This was me in my messiest, most imperfect. And I liked it!
I felt like, maybe this is something that a lot of people feel; This sort of self-deprecating feeling that makes it hard for them to express their love for others. Maybe EVERYONE feels this way!
Maybe we all feel like a total fuck up who fucks things up and so we actively avoid things so that we don’t fuck up!
As I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling with the song playing in my ears - and snot literally running down my face - my mind was blown and I felt more connected to myself and everyone I ever heard say that they suffered from social anxiety.
And then I fell asleep.
And I didn’t share my song with everyone.
So, fast forward to right now in this very moment, and I’m deciding to share this song once and for all. Most anyone who knows me knows that I ended up asking Andres to be my boyfriend. (I made a song for the occasion too, which is somehow more embarrassing than this one.) Andres said yes.
Literally like a month and a half after that I asked Andres to marry me. (There was no song for that one.) Andres said yes.
And now I’m happy and living with my husband!
But, absolutely none of that would have happened if I didn’t have this weird bedtime therapy session while I lay dying in bed.
So, earlier today, after Andres left for work, I began thinking about myself and about him and how we both collided into one another’s lives, and I thought of this song. So I gave it a listen -
Touching Up the Fuck Up
It’s bad. I mean, it’s not awful, but it’s not good. It brought me right back to that moment in my room feeling nervous about the thought of existing around someone I loved. It was perfect!
I decided that I wanted to share it because it helped me, and maybe it could help other people too. But, the vocals were so bad! So, I plugged in my headphones and tried re-recording the vocals. I did a take and then I gave it a listen.
It was good! But it didn’t work!
All of that vulnerability and all of the “sick” went away! I felt too confident! The song lost its meaning!
So, I made the executive decision to leave it exactly how it was. The only exception being that I turned up the volume on the vocals so they were easier to hear AND because they were so important.
And that was it.
This is for the fuck ups!
So, I’m releasing this song for the fuck ups! For the walking disasters and the scribbly personified balls of anxiety! This is for the people who haven’t worked up the courage to ask someone out or to finally express their true feelings to someone! This is for the broken, awkward, sick, miniature me that existed a little over a year ago. I haven’t changed much. I’m still a fuck up. But that’s okay.
Even fuck ups can do pretty cool things. Even fuck ups can be happy.
I hope this song helps you, encourages you, or, in the very least, gives you a good laugh. Here’s to the fuck ups! I’m right there with you!
I have this crazy dream of being able to write and make songs and share stories and create stuff for a living without having to work a shitty corporate job because I’m the kind of person who will go absolutely insane otherwise. If anything I have done has made you smile or has been valuable to you, PLEASE consider donating to my endeavor! I want to create and support other creators, and I really can’t do this without the kindness and support of people like YOU! You can donate using the button below.
You are a hero.